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My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.