Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
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As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao