And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
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A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!