”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
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due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.