I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
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My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.