Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
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My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
🛁
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read