i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
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[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”