murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
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BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Chicago sounds lovely.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day