There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
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me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Bros before Ohioes
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
‘I know a black person’
– White people
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
crying
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.