my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
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Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.