If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
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Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.