I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
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How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Message from the dog groomers
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.