when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
You Might Also Like
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people