INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
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I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.