Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
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Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
(Gaming support cat.)
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.