I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
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Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy