There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
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infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Finished stitching this today 😇
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken