“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
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Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Day 2 of my diet
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
How did we not see this back then?
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
One venti cheeseburger please.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day