If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
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I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
i dont have time for this
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*