[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
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People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒