Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
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Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
*bites zombie*
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I put the mess in domestic.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
How software testing works
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Candles never taste the way they smell
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right