I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
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“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
[shakes fist at other fist]
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
😏😏😏
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?