“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
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If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now