Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
You Might Also Like
Air conditioning – not a fan
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Body by cheese-puffs.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors