Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
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A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Mad Max: Furry Road
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Can’t stop laughing
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.