You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
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Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people