Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
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It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I cannot call her anything else now
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
the best thing i’ve ever made
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
somebody come look at this
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache