*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
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I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?