When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
You Might Also Like
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
There is no “we” in pizza
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.