I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
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“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
sliding into dms like
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Twitter is an abusement park.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality