Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.