Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying