The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
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Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.