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Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
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“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?