I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
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Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
I bet
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.