Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
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put ‘er there pardner!
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Order here:
More here:
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Need WebMD
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked