Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
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me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Only short people can save us
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?