Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
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Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.