[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
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“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
is this meant to deter me
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision