HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
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It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Just a friendly reminder!
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?