[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
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[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how