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My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
How I’d get arrested…
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me