My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
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And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.