*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
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My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor