Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
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…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.