Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
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I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Hitlers gonna hitl
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Science memes
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Cartman: Respect my
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