Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
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I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
“no gods no masters” = leo
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????