ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
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-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
What about a To-Don’t List?