[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
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ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Pigeon open mic night.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”