Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
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*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired